Taurus (April 20-May 20)- Sorry, I couldn't see the stars for Taurus, there was a blimp in the way. Santa's probably going to give you the finger, though.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)- Super Mario will come over to your house and have a wild party. The cops will come and arrest you, and you'll try to blame Mario, but he'll throw a fire ball at you and shrink you. Then Santa, your cellmate will give you the finger before he anally rapes you.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)- Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to stop by your house and give you the Stone Cold Stunner. Then he'll run over your new Cadallac with his monster truck. When he's done humiliating you, Santa will come by and flip you off.
Leo (July 23-August 22)- Somebody will slip viagra into your drink and you will get a permanant boner. A doctor will try to "release" it, but his nurse will be hot and you will get another boner. The doctor will pull out his chainsaw and cut your dong off. Then Santa will give you the finger and stomp your genitals which will be laying on the ground.
Virgo (If you're Zach)- The nurse mentioned in "Leo" will stop by and massage your dong. Then the Victoria's secret models will come up and feed you some chicken friccase from Bill Knapps. Santa will NOT give you the finger. He'll give you a million dollars.
Virgo (August 23-September 22 and if you're not Zach)- The FBI's newest member, Edward Scissorhands is going to come over to your house and accuse you of smuggling cocaine. Then he's going to give you a cavity search while Santa gives you the finger.
Libra (September 23-October 22)- Charlie Chaplin is going to get a Slurpee from 7-11 and pour it on your crotch while Santa gives you the finger.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)- Shamu is going to bite off your finger while your feeding him. Then Santa's going to come out of his mouth and give you the finger.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)- Sadaam is going to come throw you into communist Cuba and you're going to be put in a concentration camp. Then Castro, who looks a lot like Santa Claus, is going to give you the finger.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)- King Kong is going to throw you off the Empire State Building and Bill Gates is going to show you a digital image of Santa giving you the finger.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)- Mr. Bean is going to run you over with his Mini, then all the Keebler's elves are going to coat you in chocolate and send you to the north pole and Santa's going to give you the finger.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)- You're going to get very fat and wrinkly and then Santa's going to get pissed and leave you a stocking full of coal. Then Bill Clinton is going to give you the finger.