Durring WWII, there was a low supply of weapons, so when one man enlisted, instead of a gun, they gave him a broomstick with a carrot tied to the end. They said, "If you see the enemy, point it at them and say 'Bangity-bangity-bang'. If you get into a close battle, use the carrot as a bayonet. Just say 'Stabbity-stabbity-stab.'" Well, the soldier was reluctant, but he did it. A big line of Nazis stood up on a hill and aimed their guns at him. "Bangity-bangity-bang". They all fell dead. Later he got in a close battle and used "Stabbity-stabbity-stab". It worked. Later, a Nazi came charging at him. Neither "Bangity-bangity-bang" or "Stabbity-stabbity-stab" worked on him. As the Nazi stamped his face into the mud, the soldier heard him udder the words "Tankity-tankity-tank"
Once, there was an Indian named Bowells. When they were forcing Indians out of their reservations, Bowells wouldn't leave. He walked into city hall to give them a piece of his mind. Not being a very bright man, he walked into the doctors' wing by accident. "Bowells no move", he announced. The doctor gave him some laxitive and told him to come back in a week. The following week, he came in and said, "Bowells still no move". The doctor gave him some laxitive that was even stronger and said to come back in a week. One week later, Bowells walked back into the doctors' office and said, "Bowells gotta move, teepe full of crap"
Once there was a minister talking to three convicts. He told them to do something bad and then drink out of the holy water. The first one came back and said, "I let the air out of somebody's tires". "Drink out of the holy water", said the minister. The second convict came back and said, "I took candy from a baby". "Drink from the holy water" , the minister said. The third came back and said, "I peed in the holy water"
Once there was a farmer with 18 daughters. On a rainy night some guy stopped at their house and said, "I need a place to sleep". "I don't trust you with my 18 daughters, so you can sleep in the barn with the pigs". An hour later, another guy comes to the door who also needed a place to sleep. "You can sleep in the stall with the horses, because I don't trust you either," the farmer said. A third man came and needed a place to sleep. "You can sleep with my daughters, because I don't have any other place for you to stay". The following morning, the first man got up and said, "I feel like a pig. I've been sleeping with pigs all night". "Well I feel like a horse" the second man said. The third man said, "I feel like a golf ball". "A golf ball?" they asked. "Yeah, I've been in and out of 18 holes all night.
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and said, "Do you serve food here?" and the bartender goes "No"
Q. What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A. They both have little boys pants half off
Once there was a guy walking through the woods. He saw a naked woman tied to a tree. "Why are you tied to a tree?" he asked. "Well, this morning my husband threw me out" she said "Then this gang of bikers raped me and tied me to this tree". "Well, it just isn't your day, is it?" said the man as he unzipped his fly.
Once there was an old lady who went to a pet shop. She asked about buying a talking parrot. The salesman said, "Yeah, we have this one. It has a bit of a cussing problem, so if it swears, put it in the freezer for half an hour. The old lady took it home and asked thre parrot, "Polly want a cracker?" "Hell no" he replied. She wouldn't take that kind of talk from that bird so she stuck him in the freezer. When she took him out, he said, "What did the God damned chicken do?"
Once this three legged dog walked into a bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."
This blonde walked into a hair salon wearing earphones. She said, "Cut the front and back, but dont touch the headphones." The stylist was almost done when she accidentally knocked the earphones off. The blonde fell off the chair and died. The stylist picked up the headphones and listened. The voice on the tape was saying "Inhale... Exhale.... Inhale.... Exhale...."
This woman wanted to buy a present for her husband for his birthday. She went to a pet store and saw a sign that said, "Sale on Cracker Bird". "What's a cracker bird?" she asked. "Well," said the salesman, "Watch this demonstration. Cracker, chair." The bird flew down and demolished the chair. "Very impressive, but I don't know," said the woman. "Cracker, table," said the salesman. The bird ripped the table to shreds. "I'll take it," said the woman. Later that night, she said to her husband, "Here's your present, honey". "I don't want a present. I'm in such a bad mood. I don't want a present so leave me alone." "But honey," she said, "It's a cracker bird". "Cracker bird?," He asked, "What's a cracker bird? I don't want a cracker bird. Man, cracker my ass."